又有一种好像小孩子一样长不大的感觉。若要形容到底整体来说是怎么的一个感觉，最好的字眼应该是“无力感”。
回到来吉隆坡事实上完全就不是我想要的，也可算是根本不愿意，甚至是讨厌现在所过的生活。对我来说，失去自由就像是完全完蛋了，没什么好说的。但是到如今，已经几乎没有任何方法可以挽救所发生的事，而往前走又未必是我心意。逻辑告诉我其实继续往前走是最好的选择：是完全只剩这个选择而选的。但我还未平复的种种不满以及被侵略了的自尊与自由却告诉我是为自己个人自由与主权奋斗的时候。道德信仰及正统的观念却告诉我该好好的顺服与父亲的意思，成熟的面对前路，以和为贵，才能立好正确的榜样。
我迷茫了。当你有着很坚定的己见，去与别人辩论并要说服他们相信你的话时，你有可以持着的一套道理。不过，自己跟自己辩论的时候呢，就真的好像不知要怎么样，怎样辨都没办法。
自暴自弃就成了一种无声的抗议，在迷茫中的无力感，竟成了另一种报复的方式。这样下去到底要多久呢？
Recently quite some of people asked me whether I am okay to be in KL. Well, the answer to this question is actually quite difficult. So, to cut short the story, the answer is "fine…".
Really, I am just fine. I already settled in my mind what to do, so everything for me now is just fine. All sorrows, conflicts, rage, confusions, frustrations, disappointments… swept away. Just earlier today I was wondering, a lot have changed, how could it be I am just so calmed and doing nothing? People that used to be around me no longer here, the food I usually eat is no longer the same, the environment I am in is totally different…
I actually do have something with me that I can still believe in what is to come. After returning from the southern region church camp themed "A Hope Filled Church", it marks almost the total end of my ministry in Hope Malacca. Some told me that I will return, well, I can only say if it’s God’s will. But be it in KL or Malacca, I still have hope for the future, I know God is in charge, and my prayers will be answered. Just the matter of time.
God is having the victory, and I will not deny it. Whatever the circumstances, God is to be praised. And I will also not forget the Great Commission entrusted to me, and to all Christians of the world. The world moves on, mission must go on too.
It’s been a long time never touch this blog. Everytime I blog, I always want to ensure that the blog is a "U" rated (Well, just like the movies rated "U", "18SX", "18PL" and so on) blog, suitable for all to read. It’s actually quite difficult, with tons of people in my friends list having access to my blog, and also having a position as a church leader, really not easy to write anything.
If you criticise an issue with a person, you are doubt as without love. If you say anything dumb (yeah, I admit I am stupid at times…), you are deemed to be stupid. If you say anything discouraging or down, people interpret you as fallen from faith. If you say something radical or religious, you are seen as a potential suicide bomber. If you say anything related to politics, you are in danger of being nabbed under ISA (Internal Security Act), and also sinned for criticising your leaders (political leaders)… and especially when I always got too pessimistic and "high" about Malaysia political issues, most of the time I will not say anything good, so it’s better to just shut up.
So… what else to talk about? Hmm… you want to know what I had for dinner justnow? :p
Anyway, end of May is coming, and the day of returning to Kuala Lumpur is getting closer. I am finally forced to retreat under the negotiation with my dad, the outcome is a win-lose. Yeah, I am the loser. A lot of struggles this few weeks, thinking about how my future going to be, and about the people I cared, and will my walk with God come to cease, and whether is there still any chance to return to Melaka. It was quite torturing to think about all these things, especially felt pathetic as I still do not really have freedom to choose after all these years. Then what life is really about, then? Doing what you want or just simply following a track plan people given to you?
There is a chinese saying, "when you got a leak on your roof, then it continues to rain nonstop; when you got a leaking boat, then the storm comes". Adding to all these frustrations, my iPod spoilt, and all saving efforts is useless. The story has not ended, I also spoilt my friend’s iPod, probably a bad charger. Cry? Laugh? Are these useful? I do not know.
A better tomorrow will definitely come, I believe it. Just whether your heart turns bad after the challenges. Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life…
The title of this post is what I going to shout to the world if questioned of my ambition and my future directions as a freshy that has unlocked the whole new world of careers right after graduation. No, I am not going to work in KL, not going to study in KL, not going to Big4 firm, not going to stay with family (*unless all of them shift to Tampin) and don’t say "God’s will is everywhere, come find a church in KL".
Radical and firm decision to say "no" to all those things that said to "hold a good future" is really a tough decision, though many may think I am mad or cuckoo else where. But only God knows whether my logic is correct in making all these decisions. Thus far, I am convinced that my decisions are correct. Somehow, the friction against the reality is too strong until my "built-in logic rectifier" still asking myself again and again this question, "Bro, are you SERIOUS?!"
The problem has become slightly serious that it even scares me to step in my home in KL, as I am currently labelled as "stubborn fanatic" by my parents. I have actually looked into many alternative routes and "simulated" many alternative outcomes and asking many more "what if…" or "is it true…?" questions, to test against what I believe. This questions seems much easier when I am younger as a student, still inexperienced and still unsure how the world seems to be (…and while pocket money is still subsidised by parents). However, things have changed: the question of faith is much more difficult now - how much energy you have left after work? how much money you have left and are you still willing to tithe 10%? Do you have time for yourself if you always have to and absolutely say "yes" if you are frequently asked to be a meeting chairperson or a song leader (not mentioning meeting on Monday nights, care group on Wednesday nights, prayer meeting on Friday nights, and mission trip on Saturday mornings)?
Reality is reality, and I know these realities very well myself too. The people that lives in the past, is actually quite the same as people that lives now on this earth. They chase after the same thing in general: wealth and prosperity. They chase after it, assuming that it’s the only secure of their lives. Yes, this is the reality: we need bread to survive. But often times people has gone further than that: when they have bread, they want some wine; when they have some wine, they want a feast - the wants is virtually unlimited and it’s chasing after the wind as there is no limit to it. I never want to spend the rest of my life chasing after these things as there is no eternal value to it. King Solomon who was the richest man on earth in the ancient world came out with such comments, "Meaningless! Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless…" Though he has got everything that all men dream of having: palaces, gold, silver… but still he made such conclusion and ended the Book of Ecclesiates, "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man".
I may have not become the richest man on earth to experience all of it or gone through all the hardships that could destroy myself even my faith, but I know this is the right way for me. I believed that probably if we live long enough, put in enough effort in something, whatever is it that we are doing, we will be successful in it. But the matter is: Does the thing you succeeded in doing answers the reason that you are here on earth?
Unless anything is of God’s purpose, it does not count. Many things are good, but not many are beneficial. In Matthew 4:4 "Jesus answered, "It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’" Why give the limited time of your life to pleasures that last for a moment, or treasures that you are unsure of keeping it safely?
We ought to think carefully how we should live our lives. One wrong beliefs in our head will cause the waste of the whole life time.
There was once a sister that came to join us in Hope Malacca, and her stay with us qas quite short lived as her training in Malacca is just a few months. However, she left good impressions to me, so good that I almost fall in love with her. I remembered the day before I left care group to go for practice, she was cleaning up the house, mopping the floor after the sweeping. At that time i said to myself, "what a wonderful person! A kind and helpful sister!" I though about what a nice person she is is how good it would be if she would stay and commit in Hope Malacca for a long term.
This matter pondered me to look at things the other way: this person has just showed up for a few times, and I started to have a crush on her. Then how should it be for brothers and sisters that have been all the while in the church and have been serving with a good spirit and always went extra mile for the LORD?
It’s human nature, we are being unfair to people:
i. we could be impressed by people easily, however we might not like the person if the person stayed long enough as the person showed true colours to us.
ii. we easily forget what good things that people has done to us - we easily remember the bad things that good friends has done to us. Isn’t it unfair if a person has treat us well all the while and because of a single mistake then we hate them for a long while?
Think about this:-
i. Did you appreciate a new person that gave good impressions to you but you have forgotten to care for a friend that have all the while care for your needs and always there for you?
ii. Did you immediately hate a person for one single mistake made while the person have been treating you well and have done you a lot of good deeds all the while?
Learn to appreciate and to care, but of course at the same time we desire to continue to develop in our characteristics. None of us are perfect.
Probably the most ridiculous things that is being heard (correction: on of the most ridiculous… anything could happen in this wicked generation). I just saw an advertisement on my friendster account home page:"At the home of Jesus of Nazareth, the largest cross is being build. Engrave your name on the cross! Enter here!"(message is roughly the same as cited here). I was amazed at the foolish thing that these smart businessmen (erm… greedy people?) could think of: they are trying to make money out of divine matter. I see no difference in these people as compared to chinese incense shops that sells god statues for people to worship. Genuine idolatry.
Jesus is in our heart, NOT the cross. The cross is just a symbol of what Jesus has done for us, and the cross is in fact a punishment of crucifixion given to criminals by the Roman Empire. Each Christians is supposed to live their life of "carrying their own cross" by following the commands given by Jesus through the Bible despite of any kind of difficulties faced - up to the point of giving up their own life, in exchange of eternal inheritance in heaven promised by God.
Think:
i. Did we gain the salvation from ourselves? Isn’t it from God? Then why are we engraving our names on the large cross for?
ii. Is this what Jesus asked us to do? To make a large thing like this to represent Himself, or "for us to respect Jesus" in this way? Isn’t idolatry forbidden? It could be better if we would use the sum of money to fund more churches and fulfil the Great Commission that Jesus commanded us: obedience is better than sacrifice.
Got back to KL for few days really a good time to slack around. Though I do have a little worries that I could be forced to stay back in KL and not able to go back anymore, however it seems that I have much freedom to move about almost everywhere. No one tells me that I should stay, dad just tell me that life could be easier if I get the ACCA soon. But I just nod in "agreement" and thinks in my own mind, "Yeah, wait ’til you find out my plan of doing something out of your course that you planned."
I’m not staying in Melaka for fun, I AM doing some serious job here that seems ridiculous to many that do not understand will of God. But sometimes, the question of doubt really discourages me: Am I really doing what He wants? Do I have what it takes to take up the challenge? MAN…! The inferior complex…IS killing me!! Especially the past of running away from the problem stabs me quite deeply too. No, I’m NOT going to repeat it again. NEVER. Moses was called by God to lead the people out of Egypt, he did doubt his capability to do it. But is it really up to him to re-decide what God has decided for him? As the matter a fact, he may and could reject it… For God can even use a donkey to do the work that He wants to accomplish. So, the matter here is not about obeying God’s command or not, it’s more like flowing with God’s will and gain His blessing in life.
God never promise an easy life. I once asked my boss, Isn’t ACCA professional papers tough? He replied, yeah, it’s tough: if it’s easy, then no point taking it, it’s of no value then. Life is like that. You will stay as a soft dough forever if you are not willing to change and be mould.
Let’s get tough!
(Gal 2:11-17, Devotion: Gal 2, 3)
In book of Galatians, the apostle Paul wrote to the Galatians on matters regarding truth of the gospel, as some of them has been led astray to observe law to gain salvation rather than faith in Christ. Paul quoted that Peter committed the same mistake, by refrained to eat together with the non-Jew believers, as there are some Jews sent from James to them. The Jews treated non-Jews as unclean and therefore have the custom of not eating with non-Jews. Peter feared of rejection from the Jews or being ridiculed by these people, he does not eat with the non-Jew believers as he usually do, but refrained from doing so.
Paul pointed out the fault that Peter committed as Peter has not act in line with the truth of the gospels. He explained that Christ died for salvation of all, and the salvation comes not from work, but from faith in Christ. For observing the law does not bring forth righteousness, and no one can be justified by observing the law. Christ has died for nothing if one’s righteousness is to be gained through observance of law (Gal 2:21).
It seems like a theology matter that is being discussed as it matters about life or death: life through faith in the Lord, and death through transgressions against the law (for sin is brought through the law, and sin brings death).
However, it’s also a matter of practicing your beliefs. If we really have faith in the Lord, we should not act as if we are not in the Lord, or clinging to our old habits that we ourselves know that it’s not longer benefitting us. In addition, we should practice our integrity to do things and live our lives according to what we believe, or else what we believe will be in vain as we are found a liar in our actions when we do not act according to our beliefs. Peter in the position as the head of churches, has commited the wrong in even serious perspective. A company’s CEO cannot implement the corporate culture he wish to implement in a company if he himself did not set a good example for his employees to follow. Likewise, the believers of the churches look up to the leaders as their examples.
To conclude, integrity should be given emphasis so that we don’t stumble anyone. We should no longer stick to old habit that does not benefit, but accepts new habits and beliefs that offers more benefits. We no longer justified by what we do, but by faith in Christ. However, we are required to bear fruit of righteousness that the Lord can be glorified.
4 hours and 20 minutes left to the first paper of my exam week.
fear? happy? frustrated? ….. I feel a bit numb, I guess it’s too late to shed my tears now. I have rammed into (or being rammed) by all kinds of problems, could I actually push all my responsibilities to these problems? Well… not. There’s also no need for further improvements for future study techniques since this should be the very last. Alright, ACCA exam will be another story, somehow I am definitely confident that it will be MUCH better than studying in MMU (provided there are many sub-standard lecturers lurking around in the campus), and probably self study will do a better deal.
Alright. Time to get back to work. 4 hours is still sufficient to turn the table around…
It was a very free day, not that I am very free. I accidently missed 2 classes, thanks to the rain in the morning, and also the tiredness in evening that made me slept. It was a noisy afternoon where a friend rushed in the house, and woke a brother in the house up. Well, at least my lunch downstair is peaceful together with Abraham.
One thing that is interesting today is Abraham’s sharing with me. It’s fine for time of sharing: this guy is young, but the speed he reads his bible is kinda crazy, and he can talks non-stop! (This IS the scary part.) But today he shared something really useful to me. He showed me a red book, "From Good to Great", a book that studied thousands of companies that are successful, and made a conclusion of 11 companies which perform significantly better than the rest, the best of the best. No, Coca-Cola is not in the list, neither Sony. The names mentioned are all names unknown to me, never heard of them before. But these are the companies that reported higher revenues and higher effectiveness with efficiency.
He explains to me the importance of the empirical principle to be successful (being the Level 5 leader) is to be humble. Mathama Gandhi as an example, throughout his life done only few "great" things: 1. With the background of British government charging high taxes on salt, salt is expensive. He led a small group of men walking to the sea to make salt, deliberately breaking the rules of the game. 2. British government also exports expensive cloth to India. Again, Gandhi broke the rule of the game by introducing home-spun clothes by beginning it himself, making it a popular trend in India, and of course, sales of cloth by British drop. These things are small little things, but it’s the things that attracted the crowd to him. As I believed, many are attracted by his humility: as sinners (according to biblical principle), all of us will tend to admire a person which has good traits we don’t have. Gandhi’s humility is one of it.
This reminded me about half a year ago, a sister once told me one of the key to lead the care group: the bigger is the heart for people, the bigger the care group will be; the greater the humility, the more that the people in the care group will do. Today, I have better understanding towards what this means. I once led a care group but things turn down as legalism ruled: I wanted things to be done this and that way, regardless of human limitations, following certain ideal formulas and methods that finally turn out in vain. Abraham added that it’s the care group created for people, not people for the care group. As the bible quoted: "man is not made for the law, but rather the law is made for the man", the law brings ultimate benefits to man.
Good qualities are important, but people must be valued first, then the good qualities will come in too. This is what I learned for the day.
